dance is life

I am just a mystery, an arrow, a balcony
love this delusion
uncovered, displayed
removed of confusion, so intricately made
please tell me the eye can see
a glimpse of what will come to me
to reach a blissful surrender
I am more than just a memory
You sink, you swim, faster you flow
You are powerful with lightning
Echoing from your soul
if I could touch the hand
that made her smell so sweet
I'd gather up my every effort
and lay them at your feet
deciding is minding the choices you make
won't hesitate or negate the fountains of fate
I miss you in the morning
when I forget my yesterday
I swallow all your pieces
to fill my heart with autumn rain
make this the day where you said yes
where you chose to annoy the lies in the mess
where you leaped to the task
of peeling off that mask
and making every dream
every creation, overjoyed
you know what it will take
so let go and dance
dance to this truth
the truth that surrounds you
and won't let you go

Ally Contradictions

...only read this if you can handle the REAL...

Dear Great Spirits,

I am conflicted in so many ways. I only want peace now- in spite of the pain. On one side, I blame my ego for my sufferings. On the other side, I blame God, the Universe. Part of me feels guilty and frustrated, feeling like the victim. The other part feels embracing and accepting of this path- the path to my enlightenment. Part of me feels that this disease will bring broader illumination of love and the truth to all. The other part feel like this darkness may consume me and continue on as evil. I feel cheated. Yet I feel blessed. Over-consumed in my thoughts, unwaveringly affected by my physical sensations, so much more aware...closer to the truth? Filled with bounties of questions. Yet given countless insights as well. So utterly alone yet so surprisingly surrounded by support and cheerful souls. So fucking emotional, yet so completely clear of the bigger picture. I long on a daily basis for someone to come along side me in this- a partner. a lover, a companion. At the same time, I want to run from the idea of needing the care of another, desiring self-sufficiency and independence. I long to be known and loved, to experience love in this life by deeply connecting with another being. I long to give my love away, but I feel the strongest urge to hold on tight to my love and passion, to treasure it and save it. I want to reach out but I am so closed off. I am so open but so hardened by fear. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy. I want to be honest and for others to be honest with me. Flowing and flowering with desire, yet longing to be free from desire- content in each moment, living for the present; yet because the present moment comes and goes so quickly, I then rationalize living for the future instead. So that's why I choose to be well, to heal, to restore. But still, for whatever crazy reason, I have not chosen one hundred percent to give it all I've got. I feel too weak, lacking the drive and the resources and simply put, I feel predestined to this path, with no control. While at the same time, I feel the power in my very own hands to heal, create and choose every single thing in my life, and that I have brought myself exactly to this place, and that from this place I can take myself away. I feel like the amount of energy that I would have to put in to healing myself is greater than the amount of energy that I actually have. I have been receiving so much help, so many prayers, so much healing energy, but I still feel the lack of effective miracle-makings. Something is not measuring up, and the scary thing is that that "something" isn't even close to being what it should be. At the same time, I have every single thing that I need or will ever need. Part of me feels like this is an uphill battle that is not even worth a fight, but that I have no choice whether to fight or not.

With that being said, I want to express my gratitude for all the infinitely, unexplainably, beautiful things in my life, including this illness and pain. Thank You for revealing to me the measure of my evolving strength and capacity to persevere. Thank You for this curious, consuming faith and for the grace to show me such a soft, pure essence in this time of despair.

There is hope.

And as much as I desire to ask nothing of You, I conclude with these humble requests: please send me an angel. I don't think I can do this alone. And please, please, please -!!!!!- whatever the causes and reasons are for my sufferings, please don't let this be in vain. May my sufferings release and heal the pain of others, may they be gateways to freedom...for myself and all others.

Let it be so.

Please take this cup from me. Yet, not my will be done but Yours.

What does it all mean?

Cold.
It's like this.
This is my destiny.
To have and to hold pain.
Constant, unimaginable, relentless.
Disease and discomfort, broken dreams.
Autoimmune~ my own body attacking itself.
Embracing this suffering and these moments of loss.
Afraid of the fact that I am looking on craigslist for a wheel chair.
But again, the trust that I have in the universe is overflowing and bright.
This is what is best for me, for you, for this world, so beautiful and so mysterious.
I imagine my temple, my body, buried in the ground, from where it came, and I see myself
Standing high above, gazing upon it with thankful eyes for bringing me to the exact place that I belong.


Friends, if you read this please smile because I am in really good hands.


"Yet if I have no pain, I'll never long for freedom"
-Shantideva

My Stride

Embers crossing southern winds
Would reap eternal currents
Of eyes full and foolish trust
In the forest of moments
A burning, speaking tremble
I make my stride to hold your gleaming
As words collide,
      annoint your dreaming

Hurry now, I need your love
Such a scent would make me weak
Don't resist this outer mess
I fall now to find your feet
A yearning, fleeting crumble
I rest my stride to taste your breathing
As lungs collide,
     restore your leaving

send my roots rain.

"I never knew nothing but the spirit." ~ Mabel Mckay (basket weaver and medicine woman)

I have been told by doctors, to confirm an already present call within me, that I need to get my brain to heal my foot. I have heard many of my closest friends say, "Ally, if anyone can do that, it's you." And I can hardly believe that it has gotten to this point, still hurting as if I never rested it, as if I never did anything to heal it. What a disappointment, not being able to walk, not being able to bear weight on my heel at all, ten months later. My whole life has changed. I sit here now in place of intense discouragement in one moment, and intense hope in the next. Starting to feel that I do not have the power to heal my heel, and that all these healers that I am seeing may not possess that power either. Something bigger is at hand.

And now what floods my every thought is the voice of the spirit. A long time ago, I made a clear and conscious choice to live my life open to receive the best that the Universe has to offer me, to yield internally to the peace of God. And I asked, rather I begged, that my roots be sent rain- a cleansing, a strengthening for deeper roots that I may grow and be stronger so that all others may find a home in my solid ground. For the welfare of all living beings, I have sought the narrow path, the path to freedom. As I face this present circumstance that pervades my being, I embrace this time as a time of letting go, a time of discovering the truth of my Being, the essence that exists in us all, and a time to gain deeper, stronger roots. For we can only give away what we in fact possess. I will give strength, depth and joy, and all are welcome.

"I remember the awareness of the spirit of God that sought me out in my aloneness and gave to me a sense of assurance that undercut my despair and confirmed my life with new courage and abiding hope."

~ Howard Thurman

And for wings, I pray.

I met the most amazing, beautiful couple at Sierra Hotsprings. I ventured there alone for two nights and three days, expecting nothing. And what I received was endless in its blessings. This couple, six kids and twelve grandchildren, live deep in the woods, off the grid and have been for forty years. I conversed with them both individually and together for hours. And we connected in such a deep, profound, and pure way. Me, twenty-four and them in their sixties- we will be lifelong friends, this I know. I so intentionally walk through life aiming to connect with people, animals, our creator and nature because I believe that when we connect with the wholeness of life, meaning all living things, we are made more whole. The understandings, the sharing of experiences, the knowledge and wisdoms, the love and grace that this couple and I exchanged made me feel so in touch with the truth of who I am. Let me share:

Rita, a woman of strength and virtue, a powerful mother and grandmother, a naturalist, a storyteller. Who birthed four of her children at home, one in a tent miles and miles from civilization. She blesses how fortunate she has been. Sharing with me her radical ways of mothering, not recommending I do the same at all, just sharing. I loved how aware she was of how completely countercultural her life has been, how nonjudgemental she was of me, how accepting and adoring she is of all people right where there are at and however they choose to live. She had such a relatable way of talking with me and listened to me with her heart and not her mind. Explained to me some easy meals to make for large groups of people and we exchanged our love for kale, her admitting if she were to only be able to plant one vegetable, kale it would be! I have so much respect and honor for her, and what was so striking was how much she honored me, a young, wandering soul.
Jamey, a humble, spiritual man, in touch with nature and god and self, a radical, completely transformed by his traumatic experience in Vietnam, and thus deeply passionate about Peace on Earth. With a love for people and for trees, just like me. He laughed and said I must be a hippie reincarnated! He saw in me the discoveries that I am finding on my own, things that even people who are close in my life are unable or unwilling to see or understand. We exchanged our deepest beliefs and feelings and I must say, never in my life have I felt so understood by another human being. Thank you, thank you, thank you ... we said these words to each other over thirty times. He affirmed many of my heart-stirrings, he blessed my healing process, he accepted me and respected me, like a guru.

And if I try to explain in words this connection that I made, the words will only distract you. So for all of you who read this, who may not like "hippies," who may not connect with any "spirituality," the words I choose are these: LIFE WILL SURPRISE YOU WHEN YOU ARE OPEN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT STRANGERS WILL LOOK AT YOU AND SPEAK TO YOU AND KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF. AND WHEN THIS HAPPENS YOU WILL FEEL SO HIGH, SO LOVED, AND SO THANKFUL.

What happens in the hotsprings, stays in the hotsprings.

As I drove, winding through the evergreens into the valley of calming colors, playful birds, and resonant silence, I arrived at peace.

In a time where my mind is overwhelmed by confusion,
facing stark illusion,
where life is just reminding me
that at times it will hide from me
the very things I long to see.
In these voices of choices,
I'm trying not to cry.
Trying not to hide
the essence of these lessons.
What I placed before our Mother's feet,
the Buddha's feet,
our Savior's feet...
I vow to never cling to again.
The letting go, the cleansing,
the renewal and re-mending.
I needed touch and you gave that to me.
I needed to weep and you paved that to me.
I needed the moon and you sang that to me.
What happens in the hotsprings
stays in the hotsprings.

the only thing to fear, is fear itself.

things I'm not afraid of:
~ spiders, snakes or other "creepy" things
~ being hurt
~ math!
~ death
~ drugs
~ gangs
~ making a fool of myself
~ the truth
~ hitchhiking
~ teenagers
~ changing a poopy diaper

things I am afraid of:
~ lies
~ heights
~ landing on my neck
~ anyone landing on their neck

My little heel on a healing journey ... *sigh*

About a year ago, someone asked me a silly "if" question: "Would you rather have your hands or your feet, if you had to choose between the two?" I thought honestly about this, and decided that as much as i love drawing, writing, and playing guitar, I would definitely choose my feet because I could not live without dancing, or walking, or hiking (of course I want both). So funny, because the Universe decided to teach me that I can in fact live without those activites. And that is what slowly happened. As time went on, my heel got worse and worse, putting me in crutches and then into a walking boot, limiting my every activity. My whole life changed. I no longer could sustain working at the preschool, since I could not be on my feet all day, running around, carrying little kids. And my plan for the peace corps was quickly put on hold- leaving in March obviously couldn't happen.

So because of this injury, I have had many, many hours to just sit around in these cold, snowy winter months. And i made the most of it...my days consisting of deep Thought, meditation and prayer, yoga, playing guitar, writing songs, writing thoughts, painting, cooking ... finding ways to still live True to myself and my calling, cultivating the self.

And here I am now, EIGHT months since i have had a competant right foot. It is still ridiculously painful, but definitely improving. I am trying to not lose hope in my body. I am finally walking again, little by little.

What I am learning from all of this:

• I am not my body
• I needed to Slow Down
• music, in a whole new way
• I am not defined by what I do
• I am a strong, very strong woman
• I cannot wait TO DANCE!!!

In my sweet mind.

arriving Thoughts of pleasant unity
buried in snow, a little cold
healing and discovering
listening
a vessel transporting love
that i may be your medicine, your bridge, your food
when you are tired
may i be your rest
come, and be filled
i will not be afraid, for you
all

Connection

When you choose to live your life very open, ya know, "putting yourself out there" it's inevitable that at times you will get hurt. still, always always you will make a Connection. and that is beautiful and well worth the pain.

I recently opened up my life and heart to someone whom i have loved since the day i met him. i was initially so afraid and hesitant, but chose to dive in. to be love. to be true to what i was feeling. and in the end i got my heart broken. however, i have absolutely no regrets. the Connection we made is sacred and exists beyond this material world. i am forever grateful. considering him as a precious teacher in my life. continually learning what it truly means TO BE LOVE, TO BE REAL. grieving the loss of a dream. focused on moving forward.

Reflection on the year Twenty-Ten (the year I learned about true gratitude)

what a blessing it is to come full circle. to look back on the past. to recognize where you were at this same time last year. a blessing of completeness and a blessing of new. i am deeply grateful that this year is over, with what that symbolizes. and deeply grateful that it happened. yet, desperate for a new, fresh year. i was aware that 2010 was going to be huge for me...and that it was. in all aspects. huge pain and loss. huge highs. huge accomplishments. huge setbacks. huge growth. huge healing. huge faith. and excitement. development. humbling. challenging. full of grace. kissed with beauty i have never known before. kissed with betrayal. kissed with desire. with incredible strength and power. and incredible weakness and hopelessness. graciously embraced by numerous souls, new and old in my life, who carried me through this heavy year. i could not have carried it alone. and i didn't have to. i am passionately grateful.

on this very day last year, i lost my teacher, my friend, my love. the month of december i was dealing with letting life move through me. while fighiting ferociously within for a miracle. arguments with god. pleading for life to win. from the aching and fear i did not know how to respond. i did not know how to grasp. i tried to find words. but none made sense as to what i was feeling. i tried to hold on to hope. but that was slipping away so fast. i cried and cried, wailed and sobbed. couldn't bear the pain, but had to. my soul doing everything it could to send him peace. difficult to feel joy. so afraid. carrying so, so much. trying so hard to take his pain. wondering if it worked. i will never forget the last time i saw him. part of me felt like he knew i had lost hope. and that kills me. my last words to him. were hopeful. i said when he got better, he would come sit on our deck at conrad beach. i kissed his forehead. he was dwindling away. i didn't know how to be strong for him anymore. and he sensed that. i collapsed in the weakness. overwhelmed by the amount of suffering. and i still am overwhelmed. with why's. with suffering. i will never forget. i will never be the same.

and here i am. one year later. embracing and adoring what this past year gave me and grateful in advance for what lies ahead this year. new beginnings. new eyes. how beautiful it is to emerge from the loss, and see that what remains is only love. a higher awareness. deeper roots.

this year, i will carry with me what i have learned. to live unconditionally in the moment. to be grateful with each and every aspect of life. to recognize how connected i am to every living thing. to choose love and joy. to be light and free. sustained and grounded. humbled and powerful.

and my arms and heart are wide open, to receive everything this next year has to offer.
wishing peace, wisdom, strength, and happiness to all.