Wailing Wondering Wandering...

what a whirl of wonder this weary woman waits while whispering words of wisdom within her warmest wells. what words will wrestle her whole? with white walls washed with worries and wars. weeping where we want to wander. will this waste what we wish we were? when we worship without wonder? when we have the will to wail? we would only want what whims weakness without willpower of whistling worlds. when we wash with wise windows into willows and waterfalls. with weeping water we wait on our wild wings.

Tong-Len

Do it.
Will change your life.

to make my dreams reality

wake up to a rhythm. smile. saying thank you. feed the body and soul. meditate on the breath. cultivating a mind of compassion. and openness. without fear and apprehension. aware of each moment. from activity to activity. giving and receiving. letting. continuing to feed and hydrate. cleanse. constantly grateful. relaxing and enjoying each gift. reflecting inward with patience and grace. with a desire to taste more. meditate on the breath. on Light. on purpose. here and now. seeking wisdom and growth. dreaming.

What I'm learning from those whose trips around the sun have been less than three...

smiles really do speak volumes. and laughter is beautifully contagious. affection is a requirement for growing souls. and all of our souls are growing. we are all the same. compassion is a window into fields of lilies and divinity. never overlook even the tiniest details. it is in these details where the excitment and serenity of life can be found. little children are very, very small. we all need people. and that is good. innocent, new souls are vast canvases, infinite in size. our presence will color their lives. our light is all they really know of us. what we give, never stops giving. mysteries are blessings. it hurts when other people take from us. but we have the ability to quickly learn that we have everything we need. patterns are easy. change is difficult. reading books upside down is just as fun. music brings us all together. we all have a hard time dealing when we don't get what we want. we are contiually longing to learn. slowing down is wisdom. children are our legacies. there is no better way to spend a day, than with little ones. pure beauty is never lost. at some point we all come to realize our aliveness, our individuality. that no one else is who we are. but we are because of everyone else.

Alive.

I am a breather. Alive. So completely
enamored by each of you, individually; so completely
awe struck by life, relationship, change, and all of our effort.
In the process of transitionaing
from a seeker to a be-er.
And I can't seem to express it.
Continually facing life's contradictions
and so infatuated with the depth
of my being.
Aware of the importance of intent and
having a pure heart.
I know that I am a beautiful
woman, and my one fear in life is that I may not be
able to live up to the beauty that I have been given.

...to either laugh or cry....

Many people have been inquiring on my whereabouts and activities that presently consume my life. Now, I finally am able to give some answers.

I graduated college this past May, and for the past four and a half months, I have been living my life as a wondering wanderer! Up and down the states of California, Nevada, and Illinois, surrounded by family, friends, and trees...I have been soaking in the love and grace of all that blesses me while diving deep, deep into the depths of my soul, confronting every aspect of who I am, falling in love with others and myself, awakening each cell of my body and persevering through each heartache.
But as the summer season came to a close and Fall seeped into my life, the question of "what's next?" so quickly took me over. I had to act.

Choices made:
I have chosen to apply for the Peace Corps. If I get accepted I will spend 2 years and 3 months in a foreign country of their choice. My hope is to get my California Teacher's Credential through the Peace Corps which would mean...No UC Berkeley would be needed! As beautiful and admirable as grad school would be at Cal, I have come to realize that my preference is not to be in school again but to be OUT in the world, learning from humanity and the environment alone. My heart longs and longs to live in another culture for some portion of my life....(ask and you shall receive!)

Next, I start my first full-time job TOMORROW!!!! I will be the new 2 year old's teacher at a preschool in Reno, NV...living with my dad to save dollar billz and pay off my debt. I AM EXCITED but nervous...excited because I will get to hang out with lil ones all day...nervous because the thought of working everyday gives me the chills. I am a nomad at heart. I seek new. I seek change. I go with flows. I am too much of a butterfly!!! Being this way makes my parents very uneasy...they are hard workers and fully believe in our society's attitude about work and being productive...I fully believe in community, trade, giving, and yes...Faith. I think its just plain wrong how much we work each week...to buy things. Things that we will not take with us when we die.

Where this all leads me, it is hard to tell. I only hope that my loved ones continue to know they are loved and that each day I am living true to who I am and who I want to be. That's ALL.

Be Blessed...I am praying for you!

The Art of Losing's not too hard to master

So I really have no idea who reads this, if anyone even does...but I am in need of some serious venting on loss.

This has been a year of loss. And I continue to experience finding myself with empty spaces that were once filled. Most recent...my purse was stolen, yet again. But because I am loved and beautiful things happen to me everyday...even among the crappier things...I fortunately had my phone, wallet and waterbottle with me and the thief dropped my camera and burning man pictures, leaving me relieved! (he ended up getting caught, by the way, because an angel-of-a-woman saw him break into Alisa's car one minute before we all showed up; we then waved down a cop who made moves!) But my purse is forever gone from my possession, maybe another guy got away or he ditched my bag in a great hiding spot. Anywayyyyys.... what was in my purse had no monetary value, but had value to me worth every penny I've ever had in my life and more... my favorite book of poems by Hafiz, The Gift. No big deal, I can always replace a book, sure. But this book was given to me by a dear friend Gian-Carlo who passed away this past June. I thought I would keep that book forever. I was wrong.

What saddens me the most is the loss of my journal. I filled its pages with poems, songs, thoughts, affirmations, quotes, realizations, drawings, conversations with God, etc. Basically, my heart and soul was bleeding all over that little thing, at a very transformative time in my life. I was looking forward to having this to draw from when I write my book. But now that is gone too. And I can only hope and pray that someone finds it, reads it and is touched by it...but most likely it will just end up in a landfill. So I have no other choice but to let go...to let what happened on those pages be only what they needed to be for me in the moments of release, in the moments when I wrote.

And I cannot help but think so deep into all of this loss that I am experiencing- the loss of multiple dear, dear loved ones, the loss of a city, the loss of a home, the loss of stability, the loss of a relationship and love, and now the loss of my heart expressed on paper. What am I learning about letting go? about attachment? about change?

Part of something bigger

can you rest in my bed in my wildest dreams
sing through my spirit and sift through my feet
abundance of grace to the place where I dance
not a moment of fear as I give you these hands
the sound of a tone, deep, resonating and full
the life of my grandmothers throughout me is told
divine is the rhythm that flows through the earth
captivating it glides shedding tears over my worth
the sweet mystery of infinity, of nothing, of now
how full of joy I am while you are breaking down
the desire for freedom, to be free, to have for free
can the moment be enough, every touch every beat

My Valentine

Come as I
from star to star
returning to
my place of birth
Seeking me
I find in you
the blood through which
was named by you

Come as I
from thought to thought
am longing more
your dreams come true
Learning me
I rescue you
for fear cannot
amount to you

Come as I
from breath to breath
allowing all
to reach your touch
Giving me
if joy in you
reminds me of
my place in you

my place in you

my place in you

Arguments with God (A song for Eric)

Simple thoughts you taught me love
Dawn arrives I breathe you in and knew your pain
Standing on the edge of this continent
A speck against the backdrop of this planet among this infinite universe
In this moment against the backdrop of time
So long ago I prayed for you to walk into my life
So long ago I knew I needed you
I reach for you and your words still echo in my mind
"Slow down" "It's yours" "I want my body back"
The colors of this raging sea together with the storm above
Best describe my broken, throbbing heart
Three months I prayed to take your suffering
For peace for hope for sleep I got in arguments with God
Still not an hour goes by without a thought of you
And I wonder who I am now because
A part of me left with you