what a blessing it is to come full circle. to look back on the past. to recognize where you were at this same time last year. a blessing of completeness and a blessing of new. i am deeply grateful that this year is over, with what that symbolizes. and deeply grateful that it happened. yet, desperate for a new, fresh year. i was aware that 2010 was going to be huge for me...and that it was. in all aspects. huge pain and loss. huge highs. huge accomplishments. huge setbacks. huge growth. huge healing. huge faith. and excitement. development. humbling. challenging. full of grace. kissed with beauty i have never known before. kissed with betrayal. kissed with desire. with incredible strength and power. and incredible weakness and hopelessness. graciously embraced by numerous souls, new and old in my life, who carried me through this heavy year. i could not have carried it alone. and i didn't have to. i am passionately grateful.
on this very day last year, i lost my teacher, my friend, my love. the month of december i was dealing with letting life move through me. while fighiting ferociously within for a miracle. arguments with god. pleading for life to win. from the aching and fear i did not know how to respond. i did not know how to grasp. i tried to find words. but none made sense as to what i was feeling. i tried to hold on to hope. but that was slipping away so fast. i cried and cried, wailed and sobbed. couldn't bear the pain, but had to. my soul doing everything it could to send him peace. difficult to feel joy. so afraid. carrying so, so much. trying so hard to take his pain. wondering if it worked. i will never forget the last time i saw him. part of me felt like he knew i had lost hope. and that kills me. my last words to him. were hopeful. i said when he got better, he would come sit on our deck at conrad beach. i kissed his forehead. he was dwindling away. i didn't know how to be strong for him anymore. and he sensed that. i collapsed in the weakness. overwhelmed by the amount of suffering. and i still am overwhelmed. with why's. with suffering. i will never forget. i will never be the same.
and here i am. one year later. embracing and adoring what this past year gave me and grateful in advance for what lies ahead this year. new beginnings. new eyes. how beautiful it is to emerge from the loss, and see that what remains is only love. a higher awareness. deeper roots.
this year, i will carry with me what i have learned. to live unconditionally in the moment. to be grateful with each and every aspect of life. to recognize how connected i am to every living thing. to choose love and joy. to be light and free. sustained and grounded. humbled and powerful.
and my arms and heart are wide open, to receive everything this next year has to offer.
wishing peace, wisdom, strength, and happiness to all.
