Closer.

These burdens.

Heavy now. Dry and burning.

A release will come.

And this slow light will bring direction.

A focus.

In time, the river of healing will run through me.

I imagine it grand. Relentless. Drenching.

Quenching.

Such a dream is daring. Deeply required.

A risky faith; so much is on the line.

A calling. A beauty.

Faster than my thought reaches my recognition,

The escape from fear will be at hand.

And I’ll reach up, stretching to that beautiful star,

On the highest peak. Elevated in air.

Closer to you.

Blessings. Day 29.

Blessings

Those things that pursue me and carry me

The sun merging into the crisp line, which separates

Two shades of imminent blue

The subtle path of Venus bolstering through the vast, blindly guiding

My eyes to the calm, infinite canvas

The clay path of steps unfolding and transporting me to the memories

Of a free communion

Where I once knew patience and persistence all in one

Breath

The succulence of promise inside a seamless life of living air

Cannot compete with laughter

Or magical surprises, climbing upward against

The unavoidable wind and wave of dominant thought

The mistakes I made to mask the face of

Virtuously sincere imperfection

The plain and simple sight of silence beneath

The very sole of your tiny imprint

Holds the one delight you seek in copied comprehension

In delicate re-dimensions next to defeat

Or apprehension

The sphere it spins to sink you in and capture

Yours truly

Higher and higher, wider and wider you

Stop moving and greet generations of

Wild hesitations and lowly conglomerations

Such will be the way you enter all your

Hard turned states

The unexplained of fancy flames which move and

Tidy up all tired claims

The Way in which I fold my hand to make

Room for you and all your choppy plans

Middle of the Night Soul Graffiti

As I come before you longing to be captivated by you completely, I stumble into your presence weak and frail, desperate for your unimaginable peace to fill my every cell, my every thought, and the depths of my spirit. I am a deep cavern, so intricate and precious, delicate and rare. You have created me to love you and to love others. From the beginning I have been running after you, calmly and with sweetness yet passionately and with rigor. My devotion to you is endless even amongst my departures. For leaving you I was only seeking to find you truer, with more sincerity and greater wisdom. In every turn I take, each step I make I discover your beauty, your law of grace and I am enamored by your illumination. How rich you are in virtue! How lovely you are to please me, an infant! Let me be rescued by your embrace, devoured by your gentleness, as I fall so elegantly into your bed of serenity. Take my tired arms and make them graceful. Take my failing feet and make them strong. Take my captured mind and make it free. In you I uncover my frustrations and hesitations. I realize how you made me irrevocably in love with you. You sustain me. My dreams have been burnt and nothing of them remains, but you have given me new dreams and in you I surrender every idea that I have ever had about myself. To you I give my severe longings. To you I lay my troubles and doubts. Run away with me! Escape with me into this mystery! Your unfathomable ways are the paths I will graze, leaving no flavor behind for I will taste every ounce of joy that you have to offer!

With all that to say, my sweet love, with words and in the softest, truest place in my heart, I give to you all of me forever. I am yours. Every choice that I make, every action I take, every thought and word, may it be for you, what you desire for me. And in turn, may I please you with my life. My life, my heart, my soul is an offering to you. I want it no other way.

The moment I start to take things into my own hands, may that be the same moment where your Spirit steps in and guides me in your Way.

I trust you with my body. I don’t know what you’re going to do with it, but I trust you. Take it, it’s yours.

A Righteous War

I thought I had chosen the nonviolent path.
O how I have longed to heal naturally! Peacefully.
Suddenly, as if a I had been struck by lightning in the middle of the open sea,
I awoke with a brand new fire.
A foreign feeling.
Birthed from passion, a place of honesty, a calling.
It is time to fight!
I choose to live my life, to get back on track
To. Be. Well.
There is a war going on.
I am fighting for love.

I will be starting "chemotherapy" on Saturday. Sorry, that sounds so intense (maybe that's because it IS intense). In other words, I am waging a war against the unhealthy cells of my body. I do not have cancer. The dose will be much less than for someone who does. This is a treatment that has an honest potential to significantly reduce my painful, internally damaging, and debilitating symptoms. This disease may never go away regardless of whether I choose to control the symptoms or not. But you know what? I am twenty-five years old. Every day I wake up in excruciating pain. Every single step I take reminds me of the hold that this illness has on me.  My thoughts are selfish, wanting to find solace from this storm. Consumed by the desperate, overwhelming desire to be free from this suffering. God is good. God is light. God is love. This disease, this suffering. Is evil. And. It. Does. Not. Win. I need help in every single moment. I need God's peace and grace to carry me every single second. God is big enough, powerful enough, willing enough to burn this to the ground.

There is a war going on.

dance is life

I am just a mystery, an arrow, a balcony
love this delusion
uncovered, displayed
removed of confusion, so intricately made
please tell me the eye can see
a glimpse of what will come to me
to reach a blissful surrender
I am more than just a memory
You sink, you swim, faster you flow
You are powerful with lightning
Echoing from your soul
if I could touch the hand
that made her smell so sweet
I'd gather up my every effort
and lay them at your feet
deciding is minding the choices you make
won't hesitate or negate the fountains of fate
I miss you in the morning
when I forget my yesterday
I swallow all your pieces
to fill my heart with autumn rain
make this the day where you said yes
where you chose to annoy the lies in the mess
where you leaped to the task
of peeling off that mask
and making every dream
every creation, overjoyed
you know what it will take
so let go and dance
dance to this truth
the truth that surrounds you
and won't let you go

Ally Contradictions

...only read this if you can handle the REAL...

Dear Great Spirits,

I am conflicted in so many ways. I only want peace now- in spite of the pain. On one side, I blame my ego for my sufferings. On the other side, I blame God, the Universe. Part of me feels guilty and frustrated, feeling like the victim. The other part feels embracing and accepting of this path- the path to my enlightenment. Part of me feels that this disease will bring broader illumination of love and the truth to all. The other part feel like this darkness may consume me and continue on as evil. I feel cheated. Yet I feel blessed. Over-consumed in my thoughts, unwaveringly affected by my physical sensations, so much more aware...closer to the truth? Filled with bounties of questions. Yet given countless insights as well. So utterly alone yet so surprisingly surrounded by support and cheerful souls. So fucking emotional, yet so completely clear of the bigger picture. I long on a daily basis for someone to come along side me in this- a partner. a lover, a companion. At the same time, I want to run from the idea of needing the care of another, desiring self-sufficiency and independence. I long to be known and loved, to experience love in this life by deeply connecting with another being. I long to give my love away, but I feel the strongest urge to hold on tight to my love and passion, to treasure it and save it. I want to reach out but I am so closed off. I am so open but so hardened by fear. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy. I want to be honest and for others to be honest with me. Flowing and flowering with desire, yet longing to be free from desire- content in each moment, living for the present; yet because the present moment comes and goes so quickly, I then rationalize living for the future instead. So that's why I choose to be well, to heal, to restore. But still, for whatever crazy reason, I have not chosen one hundred percent to give it all I've got. I feel too weak, lacking the drive and the resources and simply put, I feel predestined to this path, with no control. While at the same time, I feel the power in my very own hands to heal, create and choose every single thing in my life, and that I have brought myself exactly to this place, and that from this place I can take myself away. I feel like the amount of energy that I would have to put in to healing myself is greater than the amount of energy that I actually have. I have been receiving so much help, so many prayers, so much healing energy, but I still feel the lack of effective miracle-makings. Something is not measuring up, and the scary thing is that that "something" isn't even close to being what it should be. At the same time, I have every single thing that I need or will ever need. Part of me feels like this is an uphill battle that is not even worth a fight, but that I have no choice whether to fight or not.

With that being said, I want to express my gratitude for all the infinitely, unexplainably, beautiful things in my life, including this illness and pain. Thank You for revealing to me the measure of my evolving strength and capacity to persevere. Thank You for this curious, consuming faith and for the grace to show me such a soft, pure essence in this time of despair.

There is hope.

And as much as I desire to ask nothing of You, I conclude with these humble requests: please send me an angel. I don't think I can do this alone. And please, please, please -!!!!!- whatever the causes and reasons are for my sufferings, please don't let this be in vain. May my sufferings release and heal the pain of others, may they be gateways to freedom...for myself and all others.

Let it be so.

Please take this cup from me. Yet, not my will be done but Yours.

What does it all mean?

Cold.
It's like this.
This is my destiny.
To have and to hold pain.
Constant, unimaginable, relentless.
Disease and discomfort, broken dreams.
Autoimmune~ my own body attacking itself.
Embracing this suffering and these moments of loss.
Afraid of the fact that I am looking on craigslist for a wheel chair.
But again, the trust that I have in the universe is overflowing and bright.
This is what is best for me, for you, for this world, so beautiful and so mysterious.
I imagine my temple, my body, buried in the ground, from where it came, and I see myself
Standing high above, gazing upon it with thankful eyes for bringing me to the exact place that I belong.


Friends, if you read this please smile because I am in really good hands.


"Yet if I have no pain, I'll never long for freedom"
-Shantideva