Closer.

These burdens.

Heavy now. Dry and burning.

A release will come.

And this slow light will bring direction.

A focus.

In time, the river of healing will run through me.

I imagine it grand. Relentless. Drenching.

Quenching.

Such a dream is daring. Deeply required.

A risky faith; so much is on the line.

A calling. A beauty.

Faster than my thought reaches my recognition,

The escape from fear will be at hand.

And I’ll reach up, stretching to that beautiful star,

On the highest peak. Elevated in air.

Closer to you.

Blessings. Day 29.

Blessings

Those things that pursue me and carry me

The sun merging into the crisp line, which separates

Two shades of imminent blue

The subtle path of Venus bolstering through the vast, blindly guiding

My eyes to the calm, infinite canvas

The clay path of steps unfolding and transporting me to the memories

Of a free communion

Where I once knew patience and persistence all in one

Breath

The succulence of promise inside a seamless life of living air

Cannot compete with laughter

Or magical surprises, climbing upward against

The unavoidable wind and wave of dominant thought

The mistakes I made to mask the face of

Virtuously sincere imperfection

The plain and simple sight of silence beneath

The very sole of your tiny imprint

Holds the one delight you seek in copied comprehension

In delicate re-dimensions next to defeat

Or apprehension

The sphere it spins to sink you in and capture

Yours truly

Higher and higher, wider and wider you

Stop moving and greet generations of

Wild hesitations and lowly conglomerations

Such will be the way you enter all your

Hard turned states

The unexplained of fancy flames which move and

Tidy up all tired claims

The Way in which I fold my hand to make

Room for you and all your choppy plans

Middle of the Night Soul Graffiti

As I come before you longing to be captivated by you completely, I stumble into your presence weak and frail, desperate for your unimaginable peace to fill my every cell, my every thought, and the depths of my spirit. I am a deep cavern, so intricate and precious, delicate and rare. You have created me to love you and to love others. From the beginning I have been running after you, calmly and with sweetness yet passionately and with rigor. My devotion to you is endless even amongst my departures. For leaving you I was only seeking to find you truer, with more sincerity and greater wisdom. In every turn I take, each step I make I discover your beauty, your law of grace and I am enamored by your illumination. How rich you are in virtue! How lovely you are to please me, an infant! Let me be rescued by your embrace, devoured by your gentleness, as I fall so elegantly into your bed of serenity. Take my tired arms and make them graceful. Take my failing feet and make them strong. Take my captured mind and make it free. In you I uncover my frustrations and hesitations. I realize how you made me irrevocably in love with you. You sustain me. My dreams have been burnt and nothing of them remains, but you have given me new dreams and in you I surrender every idea that I have ever had about myself. To you I give my severe longings. To you I lay my troubles and doubts. Run away with me! Escape with me into this mystery! Your unfathomable ways are the paths I will graze, leaving no flavor behind for I will taste every ounce of joy that you have to offer!

With all that to say, my sweet love, with words and in the softest, truest place in my heart, I give to you all of me forever. I am yours. Every choice that I make, every action I take, every thought and word, may it be for you, what you desire for me. And in turn, may I please you with my life. My life, my heart, my soul is an offering to you. I want it no other way.

The moment I start to take things into my own hands, may that be the same moment where your Spirit steps in and guides me in your Way.

I trust you with my body. I don’t know what you’re going to do with it, but I trust you. Take it, it’s yours.

A Righteous War

I thought I had chosen the nonviolent path.
O how I have longed to heal naturally! Peacefully.
Suddenly, as if a I had been struck by lightning in the middle of the open sea,
I awoke with a brand new fire.
A foreign feeling.
Birthed from passion, a place of honesty, a calling.
It is time to fight!
I choose to live my life, to get back on track
To. Be. Well.
There is a war going on.
I am fighting for love.

I will be starting "chemotherapy" on Saturday. Sorry, that sounds so intense (maybe that's because it IS intense). In other words, I am waging a war against the unhealthy cells of my body. I do not have cancer. The dose will be much less than for someone who does. This is a treatment that has an honest potential to significantly reduce my painful, internally damaging, and debilitating symptoms. This disease may never go away regardless of whether I choose to control the symptoms or not. But you know what? I am twenty-five years old. Every day I wake up in excruciating pain. Every single step I take reminds me of the hold that this illness has on me.  My thoughts are selfish, wanting to find solace from this storm. Consumed by the desperate, overwhelming desire to be free from this suffering. God is good. God is light. God is love. This disease, this suffering. Is evil. And. It. Does. Not. Win. I need help in every single moment. I need God's peace and grace to carry me every single second. God is big enough, powerful enough, willing enough to burn this to the ground.

There is a war going on.