...only read this if you can handle the REAL...
Dear Great Spirits,
I am conflicted in so many ways. I only want peace now- in spite of the pain. On one side, I blame my ego for my sufferings. On the other side, I blame God, the Universe. Part of me feels guilty and frustrated, feeling like the victim. The other part feels embracing and accepting of this path- the path to my enlightenment. Part of me feels that this disease will bring broader illumination of love and the truth to all. The other part feel like this darkness may consume me and continue on as evil. I feel cheated. Yet I feel blessed. Over-consumed in my thoughts, unwaveringly affected by my physical sensations, so much more aware...closer to the truth? Filled with bounties of questions. Yet given countless insights as well. So utterly alone yet so surprisingly surrounded by support and cheerful souls. So fucking emotional, yet so completely clear of the bigger picture. I long on a daily basis for someone to come along side me in this- a partner. a lover, a companion. At the same time, I want to run from the idea of needing the care of another, desiring self-sufficiency and independence. I long to be known and loved, to experience love in this life by deeply connecting with another being. I long to give my love away, but I feel the strongest urge to hold on tight to my love and passion, to treasure it and save it. I want to reach out but I am so closed off. I am so open but so hardened by fear. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy. I want to be honest and for others to be honest with me. Flowing and flowering with desire, yet longing to be free from desire- content in each moment, living for the present; yet because the present moment comes and goes so quickly, I then rationalize living for the future instead. So that's why I choose to be well, to heal, to restore. But still, for whatever crazy reason, I have not chosen one hundred percent to give it all I've got. I feel too weak, lacking the drive and the resources and simply put, I feel predestined to this path, with no control. While at the same time, I feel the power in my very own hands to heal, create and choose every single thing in my life, and that I have brought myself exactly to this place, and that from this place I can take myself away. I feel like the amount of energy that I would have to put in to healing myself is greater than the amount of energy that I actually have. I have been receiving so much help, so many prayers, so much healing energy, but I still feel the lack of effective miracle-makings. Something is not measuring up, and the scary thing is that that "something" isn't even close to being what it should be. At the same time, I have every single thing that I need or will ever need. Part of me feels like this is an uphill battle that is not even worth a fight, but that I have no choice whether to fight or not.
With that being said, I want to express my gratitude for all the infinitely, unexplainably, beautiful things in my life, including this illness and pain. Thank You for revealing to me the measure of my evolving strength and capacity to persevere. Thank You for this curious, consuming faith and for the grace to show me such a soft, pure essence in this time of despair.
There is hope.
And as much as I desire to ask nothing of You, I conclude with these humble requests: please send me an angel. I don't think I can do this alone. And please, please, please -!!!!!- whatever the causes and reasons are for my sufferings, please don't let this be in vain. May my sufferings release and heal the pain of others, may they be gateways to freedom...for myself and all others.
Let it be so.
Please take this cup from me. Yet, not my will be done but Yours.
